sadistic tendencies

†•it’s like life and fate.. it surprises you and tries to run you down with barely an ounce of regret..•†

last night, i cut my wrist.. i don’t really know why i did it.. i think i just felt like it at that time.. maybe because i wanted something where i can focus my attention to, rather than to anything else.. and having a cut on my wrist with the pain will be enough distraction from me.. yeah, i think that’s it.. but.. unfortunately, it didn’t take my mind off things.. it didn’t hurt at all at that time.. maybe i felt no pain because i was used to the feeling.. it didn’t sting me a bit, even when i took a bath..

the truth is i didn’t want to go to school today.. i was feeling really tired and bored of school.. having school 5 times a week is really boring, you know.. i see the same faces, do the same things.. haha!! it’s funny, actually.. because i always feel like every scene at school happened already.. see?? it’s boring.. but still, i did go to school..

eiri finally went to school.. his fever was gone and he was feeling a little bit better.. i think.. but i also think that he doesn’t really want to attend school just like me.. it was sickening..

oh yeah that’s right.. ma’am hilda and i fought last thursday.. it was because i didn’t want to be a leader of a report group.. the hell.. i have been a leader of everything ever since i entered this school..!! i didn’t have enough rest.. i mean, i always have my commitments and stuffs.. they always expect me to do well in everything.. i’m also human, you know.. i also have my limitations.. and guess what?? that day was my borderline.. she told that "SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE OTHERS".. the hell with her!! [yeah, you guessed it right.. i was one of the so-called "OTHERS"] if she doesn’t care about me, then i don’t care about her!! i know that she’s my teacher, and i respect her.. but she has to respect me too.. because respect is supposed to be mutual among TEACHERS and STUDENTS.. and as if she doesn’t know about how i react about such things.. being a teacher is not an excuse to say that you don’t care about your other students.. if you’re a teacher, then you have the obligation to teach them!! i am willing to learn!! she just has to know how to act in front of us.. i know that i’m sensitive and i admit that i have a low EQ.. i easily get angry because of certain stuffs.. but i do fight for what i believe is right.. and i KNOW that i AM RIGHT!! she shouldn’t have said that!! we’re her STUDENTS, for God’s sake!!

oh well, it doesn’t matter.. *sigh* arghh!! my head hurts..

haha!! well, let’s continue from before.. it was dismissal time and one of the groups from the other class practiced until about 4:20 or so.. hehe.. i joined them because gacy and caren is in that group.. anyways, i thought of some things when i was in the jeep.. things that weren’t supposed to be thought about.. haha!! and well, my cuts at my wrist hurt.. and my attention was fully into it, because of the pain.. >_<;; wow, it really worked.. maybe it was really a good idea that i made those cuts..

but still, i felt as if LONELINESS is slowly taking me inside of its dark abyss..

†•it was as if something struck me.. it was as if i was dreaming all this time..•†

weird.. i feel like dying right now.. it was such a long time since i felt this way.. this way.. funny.. i feel like it’s my entire fault, even though it’s not.. do you even know how i’m feeling right now?? it’s hard to explain.. right now, i just feel like i want to be gone.. i just want to.. fade away.. i feel like i’m the unluckiest person alive.. the heck, i hate living’ in this damn world.. i want to die.. right now!! right at this moment, i want to be struck by lightning, or shot by a gun, even if it’s just an accident.. i just.. want to.. die.. i just wish that i was never born in this world..

weird.. i feel like killing myself.. the hell, i already tried it several times before, but i still couldn’t make the wound deep enough to cut my wrist and be dead.. maybe it was stupid to cut my wrist.. to throw away everything.. these 14 years of my life.. you’ll say that i earned it.. well, guess what.. i DON’T want it!! this life.. everything that’s in it.. i hate everything that has to do with this damn life that i have!! i just.. want to.. fade away..

weird.. it hurts.. to be this way.. to be crying without knowing a reason.. to feel like you’re not needed..

do you even wonder why i’m always in a fight?? ‘coz for me, it’s a sign that someone still recognizes me.. maybe i was afraid to be forgotten.. that’s why i strived to be in this place.. to be where i am now.. but.. right now, all i want is to.. fade away..

do you know that it’s hard to wake up every morning and know that no one’s waiting for me?? knowing that no one’s even looking forward to seeing me.. my smiling face.. it has no meaning now.. i feel like shit right now than ever.. i’m nobody in this damn world.. in this miserable world..!! i hate this!! i hate my life!! i hate everything in my life!!

do you even know what it feels like to be alone?? weird.. there are so many people around me.. sure, people who always smile and say "hi" to me.. sure, they recognize me.. sure, they seem like they’re waiting for me.. but everything in this world is a lie.. nothing’s ever true.. i know it.. i’ve seen it.. the face of this UNREAL world.. believe it or not, even i don’t think my parents care for me anymore.. i have no importance in anybody’s life now.. so, why the hell be alive?!?!?

is this me crying right now?? weird.. i don’t know if it was because of this feeling.. or whatever.. but my tears just keep falling..

//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//~//

Turning way right back, the very hands of time,
And wishing that I, had then, made you mine.
For you were my heart’s only true treasure,
And endless many times, you gave me pleasure.
Making endless love, was a sweet past time indeed.
It was often only the morning that would intercede.
We must have shared, a whole lifetime together,
It should have went on, and perhaps lasted forever.
Did you ever really know my heart loved you so?
Did you feel the same? Did love for you also grow?
For to have spent just one night, within your dreams,
Would have gave me a lifetime, or loving it seems.
For you were simply but a schoolyards love crush,
And never ever knew, my heart loved you so much.

†•maybe i deserve it.. maybe i needed more punishment than just that..•†

If I just had the power to turn back time, I would have gone back. I would have gone back to those days when I was still happy with you. Because I though that those were the only times when I knew that I was really alive. I thought that you were the reason why I kept on living. I thought that you were the reason why I held onto life. But you were also the reason why I gave up on everything that I ever held dear.

I remember that time when I accepted you over your best friend. It was painful, yet satisfying. Indeed, you were the one that I loved, and not him. And at that moment, I began my sin. I didn’t care about anything else in this world, but you. You were that person whom I wanted to see every single days of my life. I didn’t care if I didn’t see anyone else. It was enough for me if you were there, smiling at me, waiting for me to hug you at the entrance of the school. It was enough for me to know that I existing, that someone was waiting for me, longing for me, just as much as I was longing for that person. It was you who made me feel like I’m alive, like I’m needed, like I’m loved. And for that, I am thankful. And just then, my sin just got a lot worse.

I didn’t know the reason why you suddenly left me without even saying a word. You just turned around and walked away. When I tried to talk to you and demand an explanation, you would just ignore me, as if you didn’t see me or hear me. It hurts me to see you everyday. It’s painful when I wanted to touch you so much but I couldn’t. Maybe it was for the better that you left me. Maybe you have this reason that you can’t tell me, but it’s for my good. Maybe… just maybe you really didn’t want to leave me, but you have to. It disgusts me; how I can act like this when I’m all alone. How I can put on my mask whenever I’m around people. How I can put up a smile that never goes away even though everyone knows that I’m hurt. It really disgusts me. It does. Up until now. At this very moment. It does.

It’s true that I deserve something like this as punishment. For I have my sin.

But right now, all that matters to me is the slight feeling that I’m still holding on for dear life. I didn’t know what source I’m getting that hint from, but I know that I’m still holding onto life itself. I was annoyed at first, I must say. But now, it was kind of fun. It was fun to think that I got over you completely and right now, I want to make that reason… that hint to spat into your ugly face and glare coldly at you, giving you the message that you need. I didn’t need you, and I don’t need you, and I wouldn’t certainly need you in the future as well. I am better off by myself than with someone who’s as disgusting as I am. I was wrong. You’re despicable. You would do anything just to get your way out of things. I hate it. I hate the fact that I did fell in love with you. That I was head over heels for you.

I only knew who you truly are after almost two years of being in love with you; after almost two years of being the stupid girl that you think I still am. Well, wake up, you dope! I’m not that stupid girl anymore! And I will never be again!

†•just fade away..•†

2nd day of classes..

right now, i just want everything to fade away.. i want everything to be gone.. or.. i just wanna be gone from this miserable world.. i hate living.. i have my life.. i hate everything.. i don’t wanna do anything else but fade away.. but i can’t.. why in the hell was i born in this world?? T_T

i should’ve just killed myself when i had the courage to.. >.<;; damn it.. compared to yesterday, i already cooled down a little but still pissed.. what’s with the new students?! why can joi transfer to our section and patrick to III-B when we can’t..?! why are there new students that annoy me very much?! why am i feeling like we’re treated unequally?! why do i have to do the report on thursday about a guy named Beowulf that i don’t give a damn?!?! arghh!!

3rd year life is the worst!! people around me are all liars.. they said that 3rd year’s the greatest year of high school life!! the hell.. it’s the worst!! it’s the other way around.. are they trying to make a fool out of me?! or they just want to make me experience this damn thing?! greatest, huh?? the hell with that!!

assignments.. seat works.. requirements.. they come everyday!! can’t they slow down a bit?! i mean, it IS just the starting of the school year.. why can’t they just make our assignments a little bit easy, you know?! or a little bit SHORT!! seat works.. sure, it works for me.. requirements?? yeah, i know it’s part of the starting of the school year.. but we’re just starting the school year and we’re still not used to this HEAVY works.. so, it’s gonna be much better if they take it slowly, right?? i mean, when we get used to that, we’re not going to complain about it anymore.. duh!! but if we were given tons of assignments on the 1st or the 2nd day of the school year, then we’ll really be pissed.. like right now!!

the reason why i’m writing in my blog right now is because i don’t know what to do about my assignment anymore.. i hate doing it.. i hate finding a way on how to do it.. and i hate staying up late just to figure out one problem!! one thing is that damn report on thursday.. and i still don’t know how i’m going to report it.. i know, i know, it’s still on thursday.. but.. i have to prepare for it starting now.. because who knows?? maybe our teachers will give us MORE assignments tomorrow!! arghh!! damn it..!! i hate this!! i hate everything!! i really hate everything right now!!

waaa!! i hate being a junior!! i hate it.. i really, really hate it!!

how the hell am i supposed to relax and get used to this system?! when i hate it very much!! you know.. that come-and-go style.. >.<;; i really hat it.. why don’t just have 1 homeroom and the teachers going to that room like before.. it is their job to teach after all.. and walking a little bit is not that tiring, isn’t it?? you’re going to use that against me?? well, look.. i know it’s not that tiring.. but having your bag and some of your books with you, walking around is tiring.. we also have no where to hang during recess or lunch.. we have to eat outside.. what if it’s hot?! then we BURN?! the hell with them!! when we don’t have a homeroom, we kinda’ don’t have our sanctuary where we can relax during recess or lunch.. we have to find a different place every time we eat outside.. outside’s also full of people, so it’s hotter and it’s hard to breathe.. T_T

it’s just not good for me or for US.. i really, really hate this!!

byerz!!

†•something called.. "1st-day blues"..•†

so many things already happened in my life.. i must admit, at times, i come to a point where i just wanna end everything.. and THIS is one of those moments..

today’s the 1st day of classes.. yeah, i know.. i’m supposed to be excited, happy or whatever.. but.. i was not.. i was really irritated about the NEW system.. i was annoyed by our directress.. i was really pissed off with some of my classmates.. i hate being like this.. i just hate.. EVERYTHING!!

oh yeah, by saying NEW system, the new setting.. because we have to go to different classrooms for different subjects, unlike before.. and we just have 15 minutes for recess.. that only gives us time to buy our food.. and it’s not enough for us to eat.. T_T we also have no homeroom.. we have no where to hang when we don’t feel like going out.. or when we feel like it’s too hot outside.. darn it all..

at the precise moment when i entered the room, i felt sick.. i wanted to throw everything away.. i wanted to destroy the place.. it was full of cocky people.. i ABSOLUTELY HATE this class!! one more thing is that i’m with the two people that i didn’t want to be classmates with the most.. guess who?? well, that’s my secret.. haha!!

something must’ve hit me so i stopped for a bit to think.. how am i going to enjoy myself with this class?? i don’t even get along well with anyone.. well, of course, except kiri.. i hate everything!!

sure, i really wanted to transfer to the other class.. i really do.. but, as we all know, sir arnold didn’t allow it.. of course, why would he?? i mean, for the school, it wasn’t enough reason to transfer to another section.. and i think they’re separating me from most of my friends.. ahem!! specifically, gacy, ate kay, zel, pepper, abi and jep.. and of course, i know that i would get along with the others in III-B as well.. because i know almost all of them.. unlike in my class, i just know at least 1/4 of the class.. well, of course, some have been my classmates from 1st year.. but.. we’ve separated at 2nd year and now, we barely know each other.. even my 2nd year classmates and i aren’t talking that much.. what a headache!! i’ll really have a hard time with this class..

i can’t even comfortably answer a simple question.. my so-called "SHYNESS" takes over me before i could raise my hand.. damn it.. it can’t be helped.. i just have to get used to this setting.. arghh!! what a pain!! i don’t even know why that directress thought of this idea.. i mean, think about it.. the space outside is just not enough!! and with only just 2 canteens, we wouldn’t really have time to eat properly.. T_T

one thing that also pissed me off was that I was reprimanded 2 times for the 1st day of classes.. for doing what?? (1) for walking at the path walk where our entrance would be.. and (2) for going down the other stair.. what’s so bad about that?? she said that it’s an easier and sorter way to our class.. so, what?! it’s our feet..!! it’s not hers to control where they walk!! it us that become tired, not her!! so why butt into our business?!?! damn her!!

anyways, i’m really not looking forward to this year.. i HATE THIS YEAR!! i really, really, really, HATE IT!!

bye bye!!

†•it was at that time that i learned how it hurts..•†

As the cheerful person that he is, he came running into me. He was smiling, as always.

But as I see this… It seems like everything’s becoming slow motion… Then, I finally snapped out of my trance when he stopped in front of me.

He smiled and said, "Hey, let’s go play truth or dare! They’re all waiting upstairs!" And as he said so, he grabbed my hand and ran. I just smiled as he drag me to the second floor.

I accept you whole-heartedly… but you don’t have to understand that.

It’s all masked by the title of a ‘best friend’.

He smiled and started to introduce me to his friends, but as he did so, I held to his hand tighter.  In a way, I wanted this moment to last longer…

Maybe… it was selfish… To ask so much as this.  To ask him to stay here with me a little longer…

As he smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. Whenever it comes to you, as much as I would like to protest, it never happens that way…

You are my best friend… the only one I had really loved… even more than a friend…

For this moment, I will never forget it. You were really smiling; you were smiling, only for me. And you were only looking at me.

Even for a moment… I wouldn’t forget it.

But as all good things that happen, they come to an end.

You turned your head to the other direction of this large place. You focused your attentions on one person: Kylie.

Without a bye or a word, you ran excitedly to her. You didn’t even have time to look back. And so, I am here left behind.

In a moment, you had left me… faster than the blink of my eye.

You left me.

It was like a tornado had passed, and it had taken you away.

He didn’t mind anyone any one who talked about us behind our backs. I admired the way he didn’t care what was going around him as long as he said what he wanted.  I think that’s how we became friends in the first place.  He was that kid trying to look at basketball magazines and got hit with a chalk piece as I peered at him from the side and laughed at him for it.

That’s what I liked about him so much… For him, that’s the only way I could not think of other people around us.  I had been so conscious about other people before I met him. 

"Kaye, are you listening?!" My teacher scolded me because she saw me staring at the ceiling. Well, she talked to me and scolded me more. But it really doesn’t work on me.

But at that moment, I remembered his smile. That smile was for me…

I remembered the time that our co-captain punished me. It was raining. I think that is why I really hated rain. I was crying because of the punishment. I had done something stupid again. I really pissed off our coach and our captain. And then, they walked out. My hands were shaking, I was all muddy and my eyes were reddening. I was really crying. Many people had passed me. And many of them asked me what’s wrong. Can’t they see what’s wrong?! I was all muddy, my hands were shaking and my eyes were brimming with tears! Then, I just decided to go and change. I walked towards the restroom. And as I was entering the restroom, I just laughed. That day, I really thought of quitting our varsity team. And then, I went to one of the stalls and changed into clean clothes.

I went out the restroom and was about to go up the stairs when I met him. He was with Jai. I bowed my head for him not to see my brimming eyes with tears. I was about to pass him when he gripped my wrist and asked, "What happened? Why are you crying?" I just said, "Nothing, and I am not crying." It was pretty obvious that I am crying because of my stammering voice, but still, I denied it. He laughed a bit. Then said, "Then, if you are not crying, lift up your head and face me." I hesitated a bit but still lifted up my head to face him. My eyes were really brimming up with tears at that time. I didn’t want to look so weak in front of him. But I did. I don’t know why, but I felt like crying more. At the time I faced him, I ran off but was stopped because he was still holding my wrist. I nearly fell, but he had let go of my wrist and supported me by putting his two hands on my shoulder. And then, when I stood up, I just ran.

I just ran and ran until I went up a set of stairs again. I ran up and thought that the door that leads to the rooftop was open. But it was not. They caught up to me, but he was the only one who went up the stairs. I was sitting in one of the steps, crying. He patted my shoulder and asked, "So, why are you crying?" I said nothing. I didn’t even look at him. I just kept on crying. "Come on. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me anything." I still said nothing. Then, he sat next to me. "You know, I really don’t want to see you crying. I’ve always wanted to see you smile. I mean, your true smile. I hadn’t seen you smile like that for a while now. All of the smiles that I saw on your face were all fakes. They were just there because you want us to believe that you are all okay and happy. But I know that you are not. I know that you’re sad. You know, just tell me what’s wrong. Just say it. Maybe I can help you with it. And you know, I am your ‘BEST FRIEND’. I just can’t smile and do all the things that I want, knowing that you are here crying, and I don’t even know the reason why you are crying. I really want to help you." And before I knew it, I wasn’t crying anymore. And I told everything to him. Then, he hugged me. He smiled and said, "Look, you’re looking happier. Hey, don’t worry. I will always be here for you." And then, I smiled back at him and said, "Thanks." That smile was a real one. Then, he just smiled back and held my hand as he helped me down the stairs.

And now that smile had somewhat faded. Maybe it had become better. But it wasn’t for me anymore. It was for Kylie.

Yes, I was a little jealous, but I was better than that. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. But he’s a little slow to pick up stuff like that.  I guess he never fell in love with someone so deep as I did. I don’t mean that he’s not really in love with Kylie, but I just don’t think that way to other people. All he thinks about is Kylie. Whenever we have the chance to talk, he always say Kylie this, Kylie that. I can’t stand it anymore!

And before I knew it, I was avoiding him. Or was he the one avoiding me? Yes, that’s right. He is avoiding me. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he just walks away, pretending that he didn’t see me. Then, my life began to change. People are talking behind my back. And then, rumors began to spread. I heard things about me trying to steal him away from her. I wouldn’t do anything like that! I wouldn’t even try. I will never do that.

My other friends were having a chat. And I just can’t help hearing that he’s asking Kylie to be his girlfriend.

What can I do? I can’t do anything. I’m just an ordinary person to his life now. Not special, not a best friend, not a friend, I think he doesn’t even knows my name by now. I laughed at the thought. Well, I think that I’ll just have to let this school year pass. I think that’ll work.

At that moment, I felt flustered… everything was out of place as I heard those words.

But as always, I just ignored it, and stayed calm. All of my friends know that I love him. I just realized that one of them patted my head and said, "Don’t worry… Everything will be alright…" I just smiled and answered back, "Everything will be alright? What are you talking about? Of course, everything’s alright…" Then, she said, "We all know that you are hurt. Don’t hide it." "Me? Hurt? Haha! I don’t think so… I’ll just go for a walk… You guys are freaking me out!" And as I said that, I stood up and started to walk.

As I walk around, I went to all the places we used to hang out and finally stopped as I saw him looking straight at me.

Since he turned to Kylie, it’s the first time he looked at me like that. I just smiled. I bowed at the time that I knew that teardrops were going to fall from my eyes. I remember this scene before. But when I passed him, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hold my wrist like before. Then, I suddenly laughed and my tears stopped from falling, and a smile formed in my face. I turned around and I saw him walking away. I wanted to shout thanks at the moment, but I just couldn’t talk to him. So, I just turned around and started to walk again.

I stopped at a very familiar place. I was in front of the monkey bars. I don’t know why, but when I am on top of those monkey bars, I always felt relaxed and at ease. It’s like I don’t have any problems. And so, I climbed up and sat at the top edge of it. I took out my wallet and searched for a picture. After about ten seconds, I found it. It was a picture of both of us. Then, I returned my wallet at my pocket. I looked at it carefully. His smile at that time was only for me. I stopped looking at it and just felt the cold wind brush through my face and looked at the spot where he comforted me when I was crying. I remember him saying that he will always be there for me and that we will always be friends. I smiled at the thought. But then, where is he now? Soon, the smile faded away as I saw him at that very spot with Kylie. Well, you can’t get all you want. Then, it started to rain. I felt those first few drops on my face. It was like a comforting touch. Then, it fell hard. The picture flew away and I never saw it again. I don’t know why I stayed up at those monkey bars at that time. And I don’t know why I didn’t cry. But I am glad that the rain can do that for me. But the weirdest thing is that I don’t know why I was still smiling.

I now know why I really hated rain. It was because it’s always raining when bad things happen to me. But then, I also liked rain. The rain comforts me. It’s like a melody that has the same beat. It was like a heartbeat, although a human does not cause it.

When I fell in love with him, I didn’t know what that feeling really meant. I didn’t know love meant more than a feeling.  It was an experience all on its own… As I looked at him, I kept on smiling.  No matter if I was sad, happy, or if I was late, early, any time of the day…it was this perpetual smile that was on my face. Love I had figured meant more than a smile.  It was a grin that would last more than the time it should have…

Whenever I saw him, no matter the small or long distance, I had to call his name. It was an acknowledgment of my existence.  It was to tell him not to pass me off as some other person that could possibly like him.  It was to convince myself that I had more significance in his life than anyone else. I found that love was a voice you couldn’t hear, but it called relentlessly and with no mercy on the receiver of this desperate call… even the response back was no less painful in its plea to touch the other side…

With all the embraces I gave him, I enclosed in my heart as little Treasures. Yes, this seemed childish and petty, but I wanted everything.  I wanted to remember everything and anything that had to deal with him. It was like having a precious thing that you had all the time. No matter how much others wanted to take it away from you, you would hold onto it for dear life. Love was like that.  You wanted to hold this lapse of time with much emotion forgetting that you couldn’t keep it forever…

Giving me that harsh tone of resentment for anything I did wrong, or what seemed wrong to him, I felt guilty. Or at least, because my feelings were so strong towards him, I began to become somewhat conscientious of what I did. Being young, I didn’t think anything of it at all. And no matter how much people tell you love is blind, they’re wrong. It isn’t. You make yourself blind…

I wish I had known then, what I do now…

Giving me a harsh look, with a mumble from his lips, he had betrayed me in one long moment that seemed like an eternity. With a look of shock for this shattered innocence inside myself and image of what love was ’supposed’ to be as to what it really was, I regarded him with more disdain than anything. But even more so, shock.  How he could ever do this to me… I will never understand such cruelty. Until now, I cry about it.  And until now, it weighs heavily on my heart… scarred deep inside my heart.

The last day of the school year approached. I remember it completely, as if it just happened yesterday. All of the students were happy. They were all smiling. But I was not. I had a frown on my face, and I don’t know why I had one.

The clock strike 11:30 a.m. And the student got out of their former classrooms. But me, I didn’t look excited. I felt empty. But I don’t know why. We still didn’t talk at that time, but I convinced him to sign in my folder. Still, it wasn’t enough. There was something missing.

We went out that day. I was with a number of friends including "HIM". We were the last ones in the taxi. It was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what came into my mind. But then, I said, "Where do you want me to drop you off?" I didn’t know if he’s going to answer because we’re supposed to not talk to each other. But he replied to me. "At the overpass…" We were almost at the overpass when he said that. And so, after one minute, the taxi stopped, and he said, "Bye…" I just replied, "Bye…" He stammered a bit at saying, "Take care…" Then, I just said back, "Take care…" I have the perfect chance to say thank you at that time to him, but I didn’t. And I know why. Because I know that he knows that I thank him for everything that he’s done for me.

It will never let go. No, it has now become a part of me.

Tell me why love bleeds no matter how careful you are.

Tell me why I love even when I know it will hurt in the end.

And in a moment, you left me. Now, I am here crying, all alone… and there’s no one to stop me from crying.

Still, I can’t and I would never forget how you once made my life complete.

~Goodbye~