In a Moment
†•it was at that time that i learned how it hurts..•†
As the cheerful person that he is, he came running into me. He was smiling, as always.
But as I see this… It seems like everything’s becoming slow motion… Then, I finally snapped out of my trance when he stopped in front of me.
He smiled and said, "Hey, let’s go play truth or dare! They’re all waiting upstairs!" And as he said so, he grabbed my hand and ran. I just smiled as he drag me to the second floor.
I accept you whole-heartedly… but you don’t have to understand that.
It’s all masked by the title of a ‘best friend’.
He smiled and started to introduce me to his friends, but as he did so, I held to his hand tighter. In a way, I wanted this moment to last longer…
Maybe… it was selfish… To ask so much as this. To ask him to stay here with me a little longer…
As he smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. Whenever it comes to you, as much as I would like to protest, it never happens that way…
You are my best friend… the only one I had really loved… even more than a friend…
For this moment, I will never forget it. You were really smiling; you were smiling, only for me. And you were only looking at me.
Even for a moment… I wouldn’t forget it.
But as all good things that happen, they come to an end.
You turned your head to the other direction of this large place. You focused your attentions on one person: Kylie.
Without a bye or a word, you ran excitedly to her. You didn’t even have time to look back. And so, I am here left behind.
In a moment, you had left me… faster than the blink of my eye.
You left me.
It was like a tornado had passed, and it had taken you away.
He didn’t mind anyone any one who talked about us behind our backs. I admired the way he didn’t care what was going around him as long as he said what he wanted. I think that’s how we became friends in the first place. He was that kid trying to look at basketball magazines and got hit with a chalk piece as I peered at him from the side and laughed at him for it.
That’s what I liked about him so much… For him, that’s the only way I could not think of other people around us. I had been so conscious about other people before I met him.
"Kaye, are you listening?!" My teacher scolded me because she saw me staring at the ceiling. Well, she talked to me and scolded me more. But it really doesn’t work on me.
But at that moment, I remembered his smile. That smile was for me…
I remembered the time that our co-captain punished me. It was raining. I think that is why I really hated rain. I was crying because of the punishment. I had done something stupid again. I really pissed off our coach and our captain. And then, they walked out. My hands were shaking, I was all muddy and my eyes were reddening. I was really crying. Many people had passed me. And many of them asked me what’s wrong. Can’t they see what’s wrong?! I was all muddy, my hands were shaking and my eyes were brimming with tears! Then, I just decided to go and change. I walked towards the restroom. And as I was entering the restroom, I just laughed. That day, I really thought of quitting our varsity team. And then, I went to one of the stalls and changed into clean clothes.
I went out the restroom and was about to go up the stairs when I met him. He was with Jai. I bowed my head for him not to see my brimming eyes with tears. I was about to pass him when he gripped my wrist and asked, "What happened? Why are you crying?" I just said, "Nothing, and I am not crying." It was pretty obvious that I am crying because of my stammering voice, but still, I denied it. He laughed a bit. Then said, "Then, if you are not crying, lift up your head and face me." I hesitated a bit but still lifted up my head to face him. My eyes were really brimming up with tears at that time. I didn’t want to look so weak in front of him. But I did. I don’t know why, but I felt like crying more. At the time I faced him, I ran off but was stopped because he was still holding my wrist. I nearly fell, but he had let go of my wrist and supported me by putting his two hands on my shoulder. And then, when I stood up, I just ran.
I just ran and ran until I went up a set of stairs again. I ran up and thought that the door that leads to the rooftop was open. But it was not. They caught up to me, but he was the only one who went up the stairs. I was sitting in one of the steps, crying. He patted my shoulder and asked, "So, why are you crying?" I said nothing. I didn’t even look at him. I just kept on crying. "Come on. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me anything." I still said nothing. Then, he sat next to me. "You know, I really don’t want to see you crying. I’ve always wanted to see you smile. I mean, your true smile. I hadn’t seen you smile like that for a while now. All of the smiles that I saw on your face were all fakes. They were just there because you want us to believe that you are all okay and happy. But I know that you are not. I know that you’re sad. You know, just tell me what’s wrong. Just say it. Maybe I can help you with it. And you know, I am your ‘BEST FRIEND’. I just can’t smile and do all the things that I want, knowing that you are here crying, and I don’t even know the reason why you are crying. I really want to help you." And before I knew it, I wasn’t crying anymore. And I told everything to him. Then, he hugged me. He smiled and said, "Look, you’re looking happier. Hey, don’t worry. I will always be here for you." And then, I smiled back at him and said, "Thanks." That smile was a real one. Then, he just smiled back and held my hand as he helped me down the stairs.
And now that smile had somewhat faded. Maybe it had become better. But it wasn’t for me anymore. It was for Kylie.
Yes, I was a little jealous, but I was better than that. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. But he’s a little slow to pick up stuff like that. I guess he never fell in love with someone so deep as I did. I don’t mean that he’s not really in love with Kylie, but I just don’t think that way to other people. All he thinks about is Kylie. Whenever we have the chance to talk, he always say Kylie this, Kylie that. I can’t stand it anymore!
And before I knew it, I was avoiding him. Or was he the one avoiding me? Yes, that’s right. He is avoiding me. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he just walks away, pretending that he didn’t see me. Then, my life began to change. People are talking behind my back. And then, rumors began to spread. I heard things about me trying to steal him away from her. I wouldn’t do anything like that! I wouldn’t even try. I will never do that.
My other friends were having a chat. And I just can’t help hearing that he’s asking Kylie to be his girlfriend.
What can I do? I can’t do anything. I’m just an ordinary person to his life now. Not special, not a best friend, not a friend, I think he doesn’t even knows my name by now. I laughed at the thought. Well, I think that I’ll just have to let this school year pass. I think that’ll work.
At that moment, I felt flustered… everything was out of place as I heard those words.
But as always, I just ignored it, and stayed calm. All of my friends know that I love him. I just realized that one of them patted my head and said, "Don’t worry… Everything will be alright…" I just smiled and answered back, "Everything will be alright? What are you talking about? Of course, everything’s alright…" Then, she said, "We all know that you are hurt. Don’t hide it." "Me? Hurt? Haha! I don’t think so… I’ll just go for a walk… You guys are freaking me out!" And as I said that, I stood up and started to walk.
As I walk around, I went to all the places we used to hang out and finally stopped as I saw him looking straight at me.
Since he turned to Kylie, it’s the first time he looked at me like that. I just smiled. I bowed at the time that I knew that teardrops were going to fall from my eyes. I remember this scene before. But when I passed him, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hold my wrist like before. Then, I suddenly laughed and my tears stopped from falling, and a smile formed in my face. I turned around and I saw him walking away. I wanted to shout thanks at the moment, but I just couldn’t talk to him. So, I just turned around and started to walk again.
I stopped at a very familiar place. I was in front of the monkey bars. I don’t know why, but when I am on top of those monkey bars, I always felt relaxed and at ease. It’s like I don’t have any problems. And so, I climbed up and sat at the top edge of it. I took out my wallet and searched for a picture. After about ten seconds, I found it. It was a picture of both of us. Then, I returned my wallet at my pocket. I looked at it carefully. His smile at that time was only for me. I stopped looking at it and just felt the cold wind brush through my face and looked at the spot where he comforted me when I was crying. I remember him saying that he will always be there for me and that we will always be friends. I smiled at the thought. But then, where is he now? Soon, the smile faded away as I saw him at that very spot with Kylie. Well, you can’t get all you want. Then, it started to rain. I felt those first few drops on my face. It was like a comforting touch. Then, it fell hard. The picture flew away and I never saw it again. I don’t know why I stayed up at those monkey bars at that time. And I don’t know why I didn’t cry. But I am glad that the rain can do that for me. But the weirdest thing is that I don’t know why I was still smiling.
I now know why I really hated rain. It was because it’s always raining when bad things happen to me. But then, I also liked rain. The rain comforts me. It’s like a melody that has the same beat. It was like a heartbeat, although a human does not cause it.
When I fell in love with him, I didn’t know what that feeling really meant. I didn’t know love meant more than a feeling. It was an experience all on its own… As I looked at him, I kept on smiling. No matter if I was sad, happy, or if I was late, early, any time of the day…it was this perpetual smile that was on my face. Love I had figured meant more than a smile. It was a grin that would last more than the time it should have…
Whenever I saw him, no matter the small or long distance, I had to call his name. It was an acknowledgment of my existence. It was to tell him not to pass me off as some other person that could possibly like him. It was to convince myself that I had more significance in his life than anyone else. I found that love was a voice you couldn’t hear, but it called relentlessly and with no mercy on the receiver of this desperate call… even the response back was no less painful in its plea to touch the other side…
With all the embraces I gave him, I enclosed in my heart as little Treasures. Yes, this seemed childish and petty, but I wanted everything. I wanted to remember everything and anything that had to deal with him. It was like having a precious thing that you had all the time. No matter how much others wanted to take it away from you, you would hold onto it for dear life. Love was like that. You wanted to hold this lapse of time with much emotion forgetting that you couldn’t keep it forever…
Giving me that harsh tone of resentment for anything I did wrong, or what seemed wrong to him, I felt guilty. Or at least, because my feelings were so strong towards him, I began to become somewhat conscientious of what I did. Being young, I didn’t think anything of it at all. And no matter how much people tell you love is blind, they’re wrong. It isn’t. You make yourself blind…
I wish I had known then, what I do now…
Giving me a harsh look, with a mumble from his lips, he had betrayed me in one long moment that seemed like an eternity. With a look of shock for this shattered innocence inside myself and image of what love was ’supposed’ to be as to what it really was, I regarded him with more disdain than anything. But even more so, shock. How he could ever do this to me… I will never understand such cruelty. Until now, I cry about it. And until now, it weighs heavily on my heart… scarred deep inside my heart.
The last day of the school year approached. I remember it completely, as if it just happened yesterday. All of the students were happy. They were all smiling. But I was not. I had a frown on my face, and I don’t know why I had one.
The clock strike 11:30 a.m. And the student got out of their former classrooms. But me, I didn’t look excited. I felt empty. But I don’t know why. We still didn’t talk at that time, but I convinced him to sign in my folder. Still, it wasn’t enough. There was something missing.
We went out that day. I was with a number of friends including "HIM". We were the last ones in the taxi. It was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what came into my mind. But then, I said, "Where do you want me to drop you off?" I didn’t know if he’s going to answer because we’re supposed to not talk to each other. But he replied to me. "At the overpass…" We were almost at the overpass when he said that. And so, after one minute, the taxi stopped, and he said, "Bye…" I just replied, "Bye…" He stammered a bit at saying, "Take care…" Then, I just said back, "Take care…" I have the perfect chance to say thank you at that time to him, but I didn’t. And I know why. Because I know that he knows that I thank him for everything that he’s done for me.
It will never let go. No, it has now become a part of me.
Tell me why love bleeds no matter how careful you are.
Tell me why I love even when I know it will hurt in the end.
And in a moment, you left me. Now, I am here crying, all alone… and there’s no one to stop me from crying.
Still, I can’t and I would never forget how you once made my life complete.
~Goodbye~
