my sin..
†•maybe i deserve it.. maybe i needed more punishment than just that..•†
If I just had the power to turn back time, I would have gone back. I would have gone back to those days when I was still happy with you. Because I though that those were the only times when I knew that I was really alive. I thought that you were the reason why I kept on living. I thought that you were the reason why I held onto life. But you were also the reason why I gave up on everything that I ever held dear.
I remember that time when I accepted you over your best friend. It was painful, yet satisfying. Indeed, you were the one that I loved, and not him. And at that moment, I began my sin. I didn’t care about anything else in this world, but you. You were that person whom I wanted to see every single days of my life. I didn’t care if I didn’t see anyone else. It was enough for me if you were there, smiling at me, waiting for me to hug you at the entrance of the school. It was enough for me to know that I existing, that someone was waiting for me, longing for me, just as much as I was longing for that person. It was you who made me feel like I’m alive, like I’m needed, like I’m loved. And for that, I am thankful. And just then, my sin just got a lot worse.
I didn’t know the reason why you suddenly left me without even saying a word. You just turned around and walked away. When I tried to talk to you and demand an explanation, you would just ignore me, as if you didn’t see me or hear me. It hurts me to see you everyday. It’s painful when I wanted to touch you so much but I couldn’t. Maybe it was for the better that you left me. Maybe you have this reason that you can’t tell me, but it’s for my good. Maybe… just maybe you really didn’t want to leave me, but you have to. It disgusts me; how I can act like this when I’m all alone. How I can put on my mask whenever I’m around people. How I can put up a smile that never goes away even though everyone knows that I’m hurt. It really disgusts me. It does. Up until now. At this very moment. It does.
It’s true that I deserve something like this as punishment. For I have my sin.
But right now, all that matters to me is the slight feeling that I’m still holding on for dear life. I didn’t know what source I’m getting that hint from, but I know that I’m still holding onto life itself. I was annoyed at first, I must say. But now, it was kind of fun. It was fun to think that I got over you completely and right now, I want to make that reason… that hint to spat into your ugly face and glare coldly at you, giving you the message that you need. I didn’t need you, and I don’t need you, and I wouldn’t certainly need you in the future as well. I am better off by myself than with someone who’s as disgusting as I am. I was wrong. You’re despicable. You would do anything just to get your way out of things. I hate it. I hate the fact that I did fell in love with you. That I was head over heels for you.
I only knew who you truly are after almost two years of being in love with you; after almost two years of being the stupid girl that you think I still am. Well, wake up, you dope! I’m not that stupid girl anymore! And I will never be again!
